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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26423332">when you are young they assume you know nothing (but i knew you)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/gabrielgoodman/pseuds/gabrielgoodman'>gabrielgoodman</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Next to Normal - Kitt/Yorkey</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Character Study, Family Bonding, Gen, Post-Canon</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 02:54:14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,433</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26423332</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/gabrielgoodman/pseuds/gabrielgoodman</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i> “Don’t you ever get bored?” dan asks him, his eyes clearly fixated on a point somewhere next to where gabe is laying with his head towards the wrong end of the bed.  gabe has his feet pushed under the second, unused pillow, and he likes to lift it up and let it fall back on his toes.</i>
</p><p>  <i>“nope,” he simply replies.</i></p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dan Goodman &amp; Gabe Goodman</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>when you are young they assume you know nothing (but i knew you)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>i honest to god would give my left leg and my right arm for next to normal. it is one of my favorite shows ever, and it has taken me way too long to write something for it.</p><p>i love gabe goodman so much, you have no idea, and i would die for father/son bonding / relationships. it honestly makes me cry. (shout out to my dad who’s the coolest and loves bruce springsteen records as well.)</p><p>have a little post canon character study ..... thing. this was written entirely on my phone, so apologies for any wonky formatting or mistakes. as always, this has not seen a beta, and i am no native speaker so i apologize for any syntax or grammar mistakes beforehand. i’ll come back to fix things as we go.</p><p>title: taylor swift - cardigan.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p2"><span class="s1">he kisses his father’s cheek. it’s nothing but a mere gust of wind anyway and gabe has lost his touch ever since the electroshock therapy, but he is trying. that’s what matters, right? that gabe is trying. no more villainous, suicidal mind games; all he has ever wanted was attention from the one person who ignored him the most. mom could always see him, but dad – dad, he never chose to. he made gabe believe for a good six years that he couldn’t even </span> <em> <span class="s2">see</span> </em> <span class="s1"> him.</span></p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">imagine how surprised he was to find out that dan could not only sense him, but actually see him the whole time. like mom. or maybe not like mom at all, maybe he is so very much unlike mom that that is why gabe has never quite managed to get a hold of him.</span>
</p><p class="p2"><span class="s1">he’s been crying in silence. </span> <em> <span class="s2">look at me</span> <span class="s1">, gabe wanted to say all those times, </span> <span class="s2">who is the one of us who deserves the tears? you forgot me. no one ever cries for me anymore, so i will have to do it myself</span> </em> <span class="s1"><em>.</em> he is very petty. natalie doesn’t like that and mom always reprimands him when his tongue sharpens, words like shrapnel at the ready, telling him that she has raised him better than that. </span></p><p class="p2"><em> <span class="s2">did you, though? </span> </em> <span class="s1">maybe she did, and gabe has ignored it for most of his fickle existence; keeping track of time is kinda difficult when you tend to fleet in and out of consciousness for chunks of years at random. mom was so erratic in thinking about him, it turns out what kept him around as a glimmer, a flicker, was dad after all.</span></p><p class="p2"><span class="s1">daniel goodman. daniel. </span> <em> <span class="s2">daniel gabriel goodman</span> </em> <span class="s1">. he gave gabe his second name to worship the family or to keep his grandfather alive or to honor some other patriarchal-bullshit-sense of duty; gabe was too young when he died to ever grasp any of it and after, dan never really talked about it anymore, and mom kept so quiet about it, as if she couldn’t bear to speak his name out loud even if she wanted to, as if the name was a curse. </span> <span class="s2"><em>gabriel</em>. </span> <span class="s1">one of god’s angels. oh, whew, if they knew how far off the mark they went with that one. </span></p><p class="p2"><span class="s1">god doesn’t like gabe. god doesn’t exist to gabe, all that exists to him is, well, himself and his family. punishment for being a misbehaving baby or something or other, and now he’s stuck here forever, in the in-between, and since mom has decided to </span> <em> <span class="s2">get better</span> </em> <span class="s1"> and natalie has </span> <em> <span class="s2">henry </span> </em> <span class="s1">(he liked her better when all she had was his ever-present shadow looming over her), all gabe has as a tether anymore is his dad; tether and entertainment alike. they cry a lot together, still. sometimes dan looks directly at him but most times he only looks kinda at him, just so, looking past his shoulder or his nose or something, as if gabe couldn’t tell what he was doing; it’s unbearable to look at your dead son, gabe gets that, but he’s also – he has no one else looking at him anymore. no one who listens, or dances with him, or makes fun of his shirts or the shoes he’s wearing, or who asks him how senior year is going along.</span></p><p class="p2">
  <em> <span class="s1">“</span> <span class="s2">great dad, soccer training was just great. mrs. hillhorn is making history class living hell, but i’m getting by</span> <span class="s1">.”</span> </em>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">gabe would’ve liked to be on the soccer team, he figures. lots of cute boys playing and pretty girls watching, he thinks that would’ve been nice. of course, that theory is for his ghost brain alone because he doesn’t really know what he is or hypothetically would be into. he’s read about it, he’s seen it happen, but so far, nothing has been conclusive or very helpful in that regard. he looks at dad, at mom and dad and what they used to be, and thinks that he wouldn’t have wanted that, this perfect family wrecked by tragedy.</span>
</p><p class="p2"><span class="s1">oh, right. he’s the tragedy. </span> <em> <span class="s2">how to be the lead in all your own films.</span> </em></p><p class="p2">
  <em> <span class="s1">“</span> <span class="s2">you wanna come to the soccer game on friday? we’re having real good chances. coach wants to put me on the field, he says i’m the best striker</span> <span class="s1">.”</span> </em>
</p><p class="p2"><span class="s1">blah, blah, blah. something like that, probably. gabe would’ve been a marvelous actor, he is incredibly good at playing pretend, playing make believe. he’s used it to his advantage thousands of times and even more often to the disadvantage of others, usually his immediate family. the close relatives. mom, dad, </span> <em> <span class="s2">natalie</span> </em> <span class="s1">. </span></p><p class="p2"><span class="s1">he knows that natalie hates him, for the most part. he knows she’s very, very and absolutely rightfully mad at him for all the bad, reprehensible things he’s done. she blames him for what happened to mom, he knows that as well, even if she wouldn’t say so. he knows dad blames him too. they all blame him. he was their lucky star, the first born, the model son, and then he died and turned rotten and evil and into the perfect scapegoat. gabe can live with that, he supposes, but that doesn’t mean it never </span> <em> <span class="s2">hurts</span> </em> <span class="s1"> him. he’s not sitting in her room often anymore these days because henry is always there, and mom is gone, and she took a part of natalie with her as well; he doesn’t want to provoke his little sister more than he already did, so he leaves her alone now, even if her anger still simmers.</span></p><p class="p2"><span class="s1">so, gabe sits with dad. the bedroom is colder with dad on his own, the sheets more rumpled, and it’s darker as well. sometimes gabe misses mom so much that he will turn to smoke and mirrors and hide in the closet or in the corners or under the bed, like the monster they have all made him out to be. dad never looks for him then because dad doesn’t really </span> <span class="s2">miss</span> <span class="s1"> him; he’s thinking that dad considers him more of a daily annoyance at this point, a silly daydream he wishes away (he cannot try too hard though, because gabe is still here, isn’t he? checkmate). </span></p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">so, they sit. sometimes gabe lays down in the bed but only to drive his dad a little crazy, because he always gets that line between his brows when he frowns, and his lips will set all tight and thin, and gabe wonders if he’d look like that if he would ever grow old, if they could have ever been a normal father and son. if this is as close to normal as they get, or if this is all it will ever be, and gabe will always be the thorn in his father’s side, just a nuisance. if these antics would have maybe made him laugh if he was alive and actually his son, not just some inherently evil imagination that has tormented the goodman family for the past decade and then some.</span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">“Don’t you ever get bored?” dan asks him, his eyes clearly fixated on a point somewhere next to where gabe is laying with his head towards the wrong end of the bed.gabe has his feet pushed under the second, unused pillow, and he likes to lift it up and let it fall back on his toes. </span>
</p><p class="p2"><span class="s1">“nope,” he simply replies. </span> <span class="s1">the pillow falls off his feet when he doesn’t really catch it. dan watches it, then sighs wearily. gabe wriggles his toes. “i usually always had something to do – with mom, mostly, or i watched natalie grow up which was spectacular. who knew you could threw tantrums of such <em>epic</em> proportions –“</span></p><p class="p2"><span class="s1">“</span> <em> <span class="s2">Gabe</span> </em> <span class="s1">,” dad interrupts, and he sounds like an actual father now, and so, gabe’s mouth simply falls shut.</span></p><p class="p2"><span class="s1">“sorry,” gabe concedes, sheepishly and childlike, and he watches dan sit with his head in his hands; there’s nothing relaxed about him, nothing remotely at ease. gabe has thought they are past that stage now, but apparently he was wrong. he wants to reach out for him, to touch his hand or his shoulder, but he won’t feel it anyway, not when gabe is still trying to get back to how he was before. sometimes, he feels himself vanishing, uncomfortable and quiet, and he knows it’s due to the ECT. he </span> <em> <span class="s2">knows</span> </em> <span class="s1"> that. it makes him feel like he never existed in the first place, and that is worse than simply being eradicated or forgotten. </span></p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">if you never existed at all, you cannot be forgotten. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">it’s his own fault but he wishes people would stop seeing him as something to get rid of, and maybe embrace living with him the best way they can, something mutually beneficial perhaps, so he won’t just disappear without a warning. he likes his existence, no matter how impossible and painful it tends to be, thank you very much. he’d like to stick around for a while longer. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">“Pretty sure I’m not as exciting as Diana or Natalie, right?” </span>
</p><p class="p2"><span class="s1">gabe makes a noise and tilts his head to look at his dad. dan is </span> <em> <span class="s2">still</span> </em> <span class="s1"> not really looking at him, eyes on the fluffy bedroom carpet that gabe preferred to sit on when mom had one of her usual episodes, and gabe’s mouth slowly relaxes and morphs into the hint of a smile. </span></p><p class="p2"><span class="s1">“you’re still worth watching,” gabe says softly, and maybe this is it, this is what they can both, finally, agree on – that they’d both like to be seen for who they are, or just </span> <em><span class="s2">be</span> <span class="s2">seen</span></em> <span class="s1"> to begin with. they used to look for that attention everywhere but here, mostly wanting it from the one person who was never equipped to give it out, and so it left both of them suspended in mid air. now that mom is gone, they are looking in other places. it never really occurred to gabe that said place would be dad, out of all people. dad, who loathed him. dad, who wished him away. dad, who calls him </span> <em> <span class="s2">gabriel</span> </em> <span class="s1">, after his own father, after himself. </span></p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">dad, who used to hold him and rock him to sleep when he cried. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">dad, who is turning his head now, and who is looking gabe in the eye, acknowledging his son’s existence for the first time in ages, for the first time since mom walked out basically. something in gabe uncoils, sweet and simple, and he smiles.</span>
</p><p class="p2"><span class="s1">“Yeah?” dan reaches for his son, and gabe watches it happen. </span> <em> <span class="s2">his son</span> </em> <span class="s1">. he hasn’t been that for a long, long time. he stops just short of the mark, and gabe is holding a breath he doesn’t have.</span></p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1"> “well, with natalie always gone, and – and mom being kinda awol, you’re the most interesting person around,” gabe shrugs, but his voice carries honesty regardless. “but i mean it, dad. i don’t mind being here with you. i think we should’ve done this a long time ago.”</span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">“Yeah?” dan repeats and gabe rolls his eyes.</span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">“you got anything else but ‘yeah’, dad? you sound like a broken record.”</span>
</p><p class="p2"><span class="s1">dan actually </span> <em> <span class="s2">laughs</span> </em> <span class="s1">. the sound is startling, gabe has never heard it before, or if, he must have simply forgotten. it wasn’t a laugh like this anyway, a little teary, very open. vulnerable. gabe doesn’t do vulnerability, he used to thrive off it though, like a parasite. he doesn’t need it anymore, so now it’s just .... there. right in the middle between them. </span> <em> <span class="s2">what am i supposed to do with these hands that can’t carry, that can’t touch now?</span> </em></p><p class="p2"><span class="s1">“You used to love that as a baby. Bruce Springsteen records. You made me dance to them with you, I used to carry you,” dad says, instead of </span> <em> <span class="s2">yeah</span> </em> <span class="s1"> again, and gabe doesn’t know if that is any better. dad sighs. gabe wants to sigh too, but he is biting his tongue. </span> <em> <span class="s2">shut your damn mouth for once, gabriel. </span> </em></p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">gabe smiles wider. it feels so foreign, even to himself, as a ghost, a non-physical entity. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">“we should have done this a long time ago, but it’s good we’re doing it now,” he answers, not telling dan that he can’t remember his father dancing with him. he can remember him singing though, springsteen and neil young and the clash. some bowie every now and then, when he felt particularly daring. daniel goodman used to have a wild heart, it just got buried with his infantile son. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">dan is still looking at him and his eyes are almost kind. fond. gabe gets phantom warm. he doesn’t ever get really warm, but he figures this is almost like that. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">“Yeah, I think so too.” </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">gabe reaches out again, and this time, when his hand is mere inches away from his father‘s, dan lifts his own to meet his son. they’re both holding their breath now, and dan simply nods.</span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">this time, when dan’s hand curls around his own, gabe can feel it. if he had a heart, he is sure it would stop. dad’s hand is soft because he works at an office, he’s an architect, he draws and builds for a living but only on paper. gabe forgot what touching was like, the last time he really felt it was when he lead mom to a dance.</span>
</p><p class="p2"><span class="s1">(</span> <em> <span class="s2">and they both know how that ended</span> </em> <span class="s1"><em>.</em>)</span></p><p class="p2"><span class="s1">this is nice, though. this is not charged like whenever he was with diana, this is just .... it just </span> <em> <span class="s2">is</span> </em> <span class="s1">. they just </span> <em> <span class="s2">are</span> </em> <span class="s1">. </span></p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">they just are.</span>
</p><p class="p2"><span class="s1">gabe’s eyes twinkle, robin’s egg blue and harmless, and dan squeezes his hand. gabe remembers dan squeezing his hand in the hospital, before – well, </span> <span class="s2">before</span> <span class="s1">. he can’t remember any other time after that so this is a first for the both of them. other kids would probably want their parents far away from them, natalie certainly seems to, but gabe is not other kids. gabe doesn’t </span> <em> <span class="s2">have</span> </em> <span class="s1"> parents, technically. maybe this is just what dan wants from him, one of his kids to actually talk to him. zero expectations. maybe this is why gabe has stuck around.</span></p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">or maybe they just both need each other.</span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">gabe, to stay around and learn how to be something other than poison.</span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">dan, to find out who he is without his wife and to reluctantly accept his son’s presence back into his life.</span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">it could be worse, gabe thinks. it could be disastrous but instead everything is mellow. quiet. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">“it could be worse,” gabe says out loud, easy smile on his lips and dan looks puzzled for a split second. then, his face clears up like the mist in the face of the rising sun. he squeezes gabe’s hand again.</span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">“Yeah,” he says. “It could be.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hmu on twitter @richardrmadden</p></blockquote></div></div>
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